I’d like to take back my not saying to you
those things that, out of politeness, or caution,
I kept to myself. And, if I may —
though this might perhaps stretch the rules —I’d like
to take back your not saying some of the things
that you never said, like “I love you” and “Won’t you
come home with me,” or telling me, which
you in fact never did, perhaps in the newly
refurbished café at the Vancouver Art
Gallery as fresh drops of the downpour from which
we’d sought shelter glinted in your hair like jewels,
or windshields of cars as seen from a plane
that has just taken off or is just coming in
for a landing, when the sun is at just the right angle,
that try as you might, you could not imagine
a life without me. The passionate spark
that would have flared up in your eye as you said this —
if you had said this —I dream of it often.
I won’t take those back, those dreams, though I would,
if I could, take back your not kissing me, openly,
extravagantly, not caring who saw,
or those looks of anonymous animal longing
you’d throw everyone else in the room. I’d like
to retract my retracting, just before I grabbed you,
my grabbing you on the steps of the New York
Public Library (our failure to visit
which I would also like to recall)
and shouting for all to hear, “You, you
and only you!” Yes, I’d like to take back
my not frightening the pigeons that day with my wild
protestations of uncontrolled love, my not scaring
them off into orbit, frantic and mad,
even as I now sit alone, frantic and mad,
racing to unread the book of our love
before you can finish unwriting it.

mmmajestic:

I don’t always write in a lot of detail about my life on here, but I feel the need to be forthright about the things that went down this past weekend. This is going to be all blubbering and run on sentences, so get ready. 

On Saturday I got married to a magnificent power house/femme to be reckoned with so that we could build a life together, make art, dream big and surround ourselves with family and love — despite of the state imposed borders that have separated our lives. We are lucky that we are able to do this, but we are also doing this so that we can survive together with the few options we have been given. I can’t say too much, but I will say this: we believe that institutions are supremely inadequate in their ability to measure the love we share or the kind of love we want to cultivate. 

We walked down the aisle to Fancy by Reba and we came out right at the moment in the song where she sings: “I can’t see spending the rest of my life with my head hung down in shame, I may have been born just plain white trash, but Fancy was my name” and the room exploded in cheers that filled my heart with so much love and happiness. This event, our need to survive financially and the love that people have for us and each other brought so many of us together in this past month. It was so beautiful to see people working together and to be taken care of in the way we were this weekend. Thank you forever to everyone who has helped us in any way through this process. We love you and are grateful for you more than words could ever convey. 

Part of the promise we have made to each other is to love each other in the best ways we know how, and to grow in that love. An excerpt from my vows follows: 

“We both challenge each other to open our hearts, love without fear and find strength in our tenderness. Watching you open that tough heart to me has been such a gift. You are a survivor, I am a survivor, and together we heal everyday.

You are a woman of great power, and your gorgeous soul is wise beyond its years. I promise to honor your wild spirit by loving you with an open hand and not a closed fist” 

Learning to love in ways that don’t hurt when I have learned to love in ways that are rooted in fear has been a frustrating struggle at times, but it has also brought so much beauty and joy into my life. In his card to us, our dear friend Silas said something that really resonated with us: “Chanelle told me that getting married made her feel like she and her partner were making a promise to their community to have an accountable, loving relationship that strengthens the whole community. I feel like you two are well on your way”. 

Let’s be real. Down with state imposed borders and limited state recognition of the ways that people love and create family. Down with having to ask for rights from the very systems/paradigms etc. that took them away and yes to seeking to transform that as a fucking lifestyle choice. Yes to the beautiful ways that we are coming together in love. Yes to recreating and relearning new ways of loving and supporting each other. I have seen firsthand the transformational potential of love and the power it has to rehabilitate and bring people together. We have a long hard struggle ahead of us, but I know we will not be doing it alone and that fills me with so much hope. 

Te Quiero - Mario Benedetti

“si te quiero es porque sos 

mi amor mi cómplice y todo 

 y en la calle codo a codo 

somos mucho más que dos”

Translation: 

“if i love you, it is because you are my love,

 my accomplice, my everything. And on the street, 

shoulder to shoulder, we are more than two.

We are more than two” 

- Majestic

I was going to say I didn’t know what I did to deserve this love but really, I do know. I honored myself and I made a conscious decision to stop settling for less than I desired and deserved and loved myself in a way that commanded that kind of love back.

Majestic’s love has changed me and healed me beyond what I thought possible and we’re just getting started