I really truly actually do like my body. Seriously! It’s not an act or a joke. It’s not the faux “I don’t care what you think” attitude that got me through junior high and high school. It’s not wannabe political, fishing for compliments, trying to be okay with “imperfection.” I honestly like my body.
Sometimes I love it. Various parts of it I love all the time. Some parts I’m ambivalent about, and, yes, there are days when I’m not a fan of it. But I do like my body. I don’t want to change it. I don’t want to slim, flatter, hide, minimize, diminish, destroy, smooth, shape, vanish, erase, melt away my rolls, cellulite, flabby arms, beer belly, stretch marks, double chins, big butt. I. like. my. body. Honestly!
That doesn’t stop me from being uncomfortable in public sometimes - like when being squished into too-small theatre seats, or trying to fold myself into certain bathroom stalls, or being bumped into on the bus. Liking my body doesn’t stop me feeling awkward when people talk about dieting and weight loss around me, but it’s not guilt over my size but me wondering what they think of me and my body. Liking my body doesn’t stop my ingrained habit of sucking in my stomach for pictures. Liking my body doesn’t keep me from getting nervous when seeing a healthcare professional because God knows what they’re going to say to me about my body. Liking my body doesn’t stop me wondering if anyone in this city actually finds me attractive.
I like my body. It doesn’t need to change at all. I don’t want to change its size or shape. Everyone else needs to get their heads out of their asses. That’s all.
I don’t like my body. Not like this. Not yet.
For me, it’s an act. An “I don’t care what you think” attitude that I put on to get me through my days and my adult life. It is wannabe political, trying to be okay with “imperfection.” Sometimes it’s even fishing for compliments.
I have to be okay with that. That has to be enough. For me. For now. Because I can’t have not loving it enough added to the list of things that are wrong about my body. I need to find a way to get to here and this is the best way I know…
Maybe someday I’ll be able to say ‘I like my body’ and it will just be that simple.
In the meantime I’ll just keep doing what I know how to do; giving my body all the love I can (even if it’s compromised) and looking at pictures of dreamboats like this on tumblr and trying to draw some strength from their powerful words and self-expressions.