what’s a survivor to do?

filipinafemme:

for me, in my healing, there were only two options that felt right —

1. fuck up the system, or
2. big time self-care

i organized forums, met with professors, spread awareness… initially, i was so fucking livid that the world would let this happen to me and countless beautiful humans that it was all i could do. i was bursting with rage, and self-care just wasn’t enough to put out that fire. and that was okay. 

over time, though, i got tired. not like i needed a nap, no. tired as in it is fucking exhausting to fight. to hate the people that hurt me and the system that enabled it to the point where it sucked me dry. i knew i needed a break, but i felt guilty dropping a cause that had become my world. 

well, let me share a lesson with you that i wished i had known then — it’s all about your own healing. if fighting heals your wounds, do it. if it doesn’t, set it aside. you can always come back once you’ve built yourself up and regained strength. always.

i don’t remember who first said this to me, but this quote has always brought me comfort :

“the greatest revenge is to live a happy life.”

when i saw my friends dancing at the frat where i had been roofied, when someone i thought cared about me told me to my face that they didn’t think our mutual friend “really raped me”, when people shoved me and shunned and said i was a liar, when my parents couldn’t understand why i never went to the police… i held tight to that quote. i didn’t need to hurt them to get justice, because sometimes hurting them involved hurting myself. i needed to heal. i’m what matters. at the end of the day, i come home to myself.

your healing is number one. never feel guilty for taking care of yourself. fight if it heals you. don’t if it doesn’t. every day you wake up is a fucking triumph! don’t feel obligated to do any more than that, because sometimes you just can’t, and that’s OKAY! whatever you do is right, i promise.