Good progress on my summer goals.
- brought my mum’s bike up from the basement
- got trained at CKDU - the campus/community radio station where there might be potential friends
1. BUY ONE!!!
2. Open that thing up - throw out box
3. Turn oven on “To what temp?!” I dunno, we already threw out box
4. Throw that thingy in there
5. “Wait what time did we put that thingy in there?” who cares, now we wait
6. LOST TRACK OF TIME!!
7. Time to eat!!!
Perfection every time!
This is hilarious. But it would never happen to me. You know why? I would be way too anxious to cook/bake anything if I didn’t have the instructions. If I had accidentally thrown out the box, I’d fish around in the garbage for it or google the instructions and eventually feel so unsure that I would just eat baby carrots and call it a night. Dinner!
* emphasis (and links) mine. she’s not exaggerating folks. srsly. 4rlz.
- learn to bike
- learn to sew
- read, read, read, read
- learn to make friends.
I’m working and working on this whole FA thing and internalizing the acceptance and loving my body and blah blah blah and it’s hard work and especially, for me personally, with regard to my legs but it’s summer and I’m ready to put this shit into action and there are so many sales on and I’m so exited to shop for summer fashion but as it turns out……
I’m not the only one who thought FAT GIRLS CAN’T WEAR SHORTS.
Because even old navy won’t make them in the largest size they carry for every other item. And the plus size store has one style - burmuda. And when I ask if these are the only shorts because they are so long, she goes and finds me the one pair that actually go even longer. Wrong direction!! I want my hems high as possible.
It is so frustrating. So angering. But I am channeling my emotions into eating a burger because I’ll be damned if you’ll shame me over this short shit.
it’s my belly! and my hands. it’s a screen cap from a documentary i made this year. here is the large version:
re: this post.
I didn’t express myself properly. I apologize for anyone I may have insulted or offended.
My intention was not to devalue the looks and attitude of a woman…
Aight, so. First off, apologizing for offending people is the archetypal “apology that’s not actually an apology.” You appear to not be sorry for what you did, but for the fact that people were offended.
Second, you claim that it was all a misunderstanding and what you really meant was that you’d like her beauty either way. While I’ll allow that you might think this now, what you wrote in no way suggested that. I’ll break your post down for you so you can see exactly why that is.
“Ironically, dry-humping and reassuring cooing are high on my list of desirable things today.”
You start by talking about what you want from her. I know this is a common trope of your posts, but you have to understand that when you are saying these kinds of things to people who aren’t interested in your desires, it’s going to come across as demanding. Additionally, starting off this way makes it seem like all you care about is that your needs are being satisfied. Someone who actually wanted to be the object of your desire would probably like to know that you were exactly what they wanted - but any other time it just sounds like you’re assuming that that’s what they want.
“Particularly from you, Barbie doll.”
The cocky tone and insinuations of your first sentence make this one sound even worse, for the reasons I just went through. It sounds as though she should be glad to be the one that you have to chosen to direct your desires to.
“You look enchanting, but let’s get rid of all that makeup and see the beautiful girl underneath.”
The word “let’s” here has a certain tone to it of commanding presence - as though you’re going to do it for her because she can’t do it herself or doesn’t know that she needs to (sort of like the way that a parent would say to their child, “Let’s get you cleaned up now”). The implied “us” here also makes it sound like she shares in the desire to remove her makeup with you - as though she’s playing around with makeup but what she really wants to do is be beautiful in the way you want. There’s also the implicit statement here that she’s only a “beautiful girl underneath” all the makeup, which is the main thing you’ve been called out on.
“The girl who wakes up with big hair, who struggles to open her eyes, who adjusts her ratty pajamas so her boobs don’t hang out. That’s the woman that I would find most beautiful, and I do think I can see her in this picture.”
You describe an image of her that is completely different from the one in the picture and say that you that version. In other words, you project this totally different version of her and then tell her that you like that version. Do you see how, after everything else I’ve pointed out in the tone of your post, it would be very difficult for her to not read this as you telling her how she should look? Honestly?
While it is true that you don’t specifically say “I think you look ugly in this picture and you should look how I want you to look,” you spoke in a way that was demanding and insensitive to the fact that she obviously spent time and effort on posting this picture because she wanted to look that way.
Basically, it’s really difficult for someone to take “I think you would be beautiful if you looked different from how you look in this picture” as a compliment.
On a more general note, as a straight man I can sympathize with you about how difficult it is to find a way of expressing desire without coming across as creepy or objectifying. It’s something I struggle with all the time. But this, this ain’t the way. You fucked up, and you need to own up to that, and work harder to make sure this kind of thing doesn’t happen again. That doesn’t mean apologizing for offending anyone, that means admitting what you did wrong, that you did do something wrong.
I know that a lot of people do get enjoyment from what you write, and I think it is possible to write this, but I think even you should be able to admit that this was not your best work. And that’s not the fault of the people who were offended.
I’m fascinated that this is still being talked about and even more so that the dialogue is between men! I think that’s great and interesting and so important.
I agree with almost every single word in your response to the OP except what the main issue I was upset about. I mean, yes it is offensive to me that he implied the beautiful girl was hiding underneath my makeup, but the main issue for me specifically is that he believed me to exist for the male gaze, for his desires and that I was posting this picture to open up a dialogue on my presentation in the first place. I think usually that’s how Tumblr works for others, but I don’t typically post pictures of myself in hopes others will critique me or build me up with their comments. I try to do it to connect, put a literal face on the person behind my posts and because my Tumblr is more often than not centered around my identity as a fat person, I post pictures for visibility and the “normalization” of my body type. Had I posted the picture and asked for opinions, that would have been a different issue completely
For youneedtoknowhowdeliciousyouare I was not a person with my own identity, presenting myself in confidence and self assuredness, I was some defenseless woman in need of his patronizing commentary about how to be more desireable for HIM. He assumed I wanted to hear his ill informed and self righteous opinions on how to be more desirable for HIM.
I mean, that’s the whole M.O. for his Tumblr. You NEED to know how delicious you are?? FUCK RIGHT OFF.
The idea that everyone wants to be desired (by him or in general) or that he knows best or that because I post pictures on this site I have to understand I can be victim to this sort of undressing is so beyond fucked I don’t even know where to start exactly. I’m sure someone will say it better and from a place of less blind rage.
I can’t control how youneedtoknowhowdeliciousyouare uses my photos for his personal use or how he interprets my presentation and identity or how he would prefer me. That is I suppose the nature of the beast (Tumblr).
I can only control my response to his actions and for what its worth, I feel strength in knowing so many people support me and are willing to speak up. So thank you for that, it really does mean a lot to me
Why can’t you reply? Oh no!!
But thank you!!!!!! I think we’ve pretty much covered how amazing I think you are too. SO LET’S GO ON OUR DATE ALREADY! WHY HAVEN’T YOU ANSWERED MY TEXT? I will wear the bathing suit if that will help you set this up faster…..
Often the pictures and quotes that turn up on my dashboard are far more meaningful and relevant to my day than any horoscope could ever hope to be.
welcome to following me; it takes me forever to answer messages because i’m the worst. everyone learns that pretty quickly but i still owe an apology.
today’s excuse is that i was waiting because i wanted to talk to my prof about putting the doc online and then if she said it was a good idea i could announce it while answering you! but i still haven’t gotten to speak to her and enough is enough!
thank you for the lovely things you said! i really appreciate it.
and i look forward to you seeing the whole thing too! and everyone!
random question… but why is there a curtain rod just randomly on the wall?
Haha, I actually have no idea. It was there when I moved in and I’m just too lazy to take it down. So I have a curtain rod randomly above my bed. I usually forget it’s even there.
Today I got this question in my ask box:
I just saw this while searching ‘fat acceptance’ on tumblr…thoughts? I find some of it problematic but it’s interesting.
Here is the post Anon is referring to in its entirety:
I’m doing this anonymously because I’ve seen how people can get attacked for having opinions about the Fat Acceptance movement.
I love fat acceptance. I love that people are accepting their bodies and not buying into society’s expectations of their bodies. But I can’t help but notice that (and this is specifically addressed towards Tumblr because that is where most of my fat acceptance experience takes place) the majority of fat women who are major figures in the movement (on tumblr) are white, conventionally beautiful (obviously society rejects their bodies but they’re the kind of girls that people condescendingly say “oh but you have such a pretty face” etc), have large breasts and smaller arms and calves. There just seems to be an implication of since you’re well dressed, beautiful and have a great rack and legs then it’s okay that you’re fat. Where are the girls with large calves and huge flabby arms who aren’t “pretty?” How hard is it to say I’m fat and proud if you are conventionally beautiful in other ways?
And when I talk to friends who are fat about fat acceptance and show them pictures on tumblr, they all always say something along the lines of “well, I’d be fine with being fat too if I was beautiful, had smaller arms, had bigger breasts, or smaller calves, etc.” Nobody talks about beauty and fat. Everyone’s saying fuck society’s definitions of beauty, we’re all beautiful…but the majority of these people do conform to some of society’s expectations of beauty. Some of us aren’t beautiful. That’s not to say we aren’t wonderful human beings, intelligent, funny, great friends, etc but we’re not pretty. Some of us just aren’t attractive and nothing will change that. I can accept that I don’t have a beautiful face, I just wish that I saw more of these kinds of faces.
Most of the pictures I see being reblogged of fat fashion are of girls on the smaller end of fat, pretty girls, girls with smaller arms and legs, girls with huge breasts, naked fat girls (with or without their heads showing). Rarely do I see any pictures of fat women who aren’t “pretty.” While I can’t speak for any of these pretty fat girls and their life experiences (for all I know, people on the street tell them they’re ugly everyday) but they are revered on tumblr. It’s not just fat girls, it’s anyone in the body acceptance movement…again, how hard is it to say you love your body when you’re beautiful?
I want to address this, because I think it’s important. I’ll try to do it point-by-point.
I’m doing this anonymously because I’ve seen how people can get attacked for having opinions about the Fat Acceptance movement.
Fat-related things around Tumblr have been pretty contentious lately. To a certain degree, this is to be expected. Just because many of us have similar experiences re: being fat in a fat-hating world, that doesn’t mean we have the same opinions or agree on every point re: what to do about it. Some of us are more social justice-oriented. Some of us want to show our tits. Some of us want to build community or ‘safe’ spaces where being fat isn’t such a crime. Some of us want to be told we’re pretty, too. Some of us don’t give a flying fuck about being pretty (even if we are, according to societal standards, ‘conventionally attractive’). Some of us (many of us? most of us?) use Tumblr as a sort of validation. The point is this: all of this is perfectly okay—it just means that sometimes we’re going to disagree on some pretty important things… and if the talk is productive rather than destructive, some really great things can come out of discussing the issues on which we differ.
Anyway, the point of my saying this is that I wish we could all kind of acknowledge this and stop attacking each other. On the opposite end, if you are being called out, try not to automatically get defensive and see if there is a possibility for constructive dialogue to be had. If we all assume the best in each other (rather than the worst), we can get a lot more accomplished as a movement, and there can be space for those who are more activist-oriented and those who are not.
- I can’t help but notice that (and this is specifically addressed towards Tumblr because that is where most of my fat acceptance experience takes place) the majority of fat women who are major figures in the movement (on tumblr) are white, conventionally beautiful (obviously society rejects their bodies but they’re the kind of girls that people condescendingly say “oh but you have such a pretty face” etc), have large breasts and smaller arms and calves.
1. Tumblr is not the pinnacle of fat acceptance activism. I really want to encourage people who are interested in being apart of FA as a movement to do some research and find out more about the history of fat activism. It’s been goin’ down at least since 1967, y’all—WAAAY before the internet and way way WAY before Tumblr. It makes me a little sad when I think of all the fantastic people on Tumblr who are getting involved who don’t know, for example, who Lesley Kinzel is. Or Marianne Kirby. Or Kate Harding. Or Charlotte Cooper. Or Marilyn Wann. Or Judy Freespirit. (And this list is necessarily truncated and not at all representative of the immense amount of fat activism that has occurred and is occurring today). So please—if you’re feeling like Tumblr isn’t doing it for you, just know that there is a LOT out there. Just because you might not like the way people are ~doing~ FA on Tumblr, that doesn’t mean it’s not for you.
2. You’re right. A LOT of the most popular FA Tumblr-ers are pretty white fat girls. And that’s a problem. Or rather, a symptom of a problem. The imperative for women to be beautiful (and, at least where I come from, this typically means white, as well) is so all-pervasive that it’s hard to escape even in Tumblr-land. I think these women become more popular because we (the viewers) see someone who is pretty and we like that so we hit that little red heart button and voila—the conventionally attractive girls end up getting more notes, etc. I think this happens more on Tumblr because, again, Tumblr has a lot of people who are new to fat acceptance and who are still heavily influenced by societal standards of beauty. And early on, it CAN be a revolutionary thing for a fat person to realize that they can be pretty, too. But that is NOT the point of fat activism (at least, for me), and it ends up leaving a lot of people feeling pretty alienated.
I would like to think that other corners of the fat-o-sphere (and IRL fat activism) do better with this (check out these awesome posts by Lesley here and here), but it is still true that FA is, by and large, dominated by fat white women. This is in part because FA doesn’t do a great job at privilege-checking and because we haven’t always focused on issues of intersectionality. This is hard work that requires a lot of self-education—as well as teaching each other—about racism, ableism, classism, etc. Many people DON’T want to do this work. That sucks, and I don’t know how to make them want to learn. I try to do my part by being invested in these things personally and talking about them as much as possible. But it’s going to take a lot more work before women of color and disabled women, etc. feel fully comfortable and ‘at home’ in fat acceptance.
Unless the Tumblr fat-o-sphere as a whole agrees to get a little bit more political, many of the Tumblrs you read will continue to champion the pretty, white (and big-breasted, and small-calved, etc.) fat girl. For what it’s worth, it IS possible to cultivate a more social justice-minded Tumblr experience for yourself by carefully picking and choosing who you follow. AND creating spaces for those who you feel are underrepresented. I highly suggest doing this, if you have the time and emotional energy.
- Nobody talks about beauty and fat.
Not true. (But many people don’t.) Again, I think part of this feeling comes from the fact that you choose your own Tumblr experience based on who you follow. There are a lot of Tumblrs out there (especially the ones that are more aggregate Tumblrs, where lots of girls post pictures of themselves) that do not think about beauty standards (or other oppressive shit) in a critical way. Don’t follow them if this bothers you. It bothers me—which is why I don’t follow them.
- While I can’t speak for any of these pretty fat girls and their life experiences (for all I know, people on the street tell them they’re ugly everyday) but they are revered on tumblr. It’s not just fat girls, it’s anyone in the body acceptance movement…again, how hard is it to say you love your body when you’re beautiful?
These last two sentences are a little confusing to me. I gather that you (whoever you are) are upset that the prettiest girls are the ones who are popular, and that you acknowledge that you don’t know their life experiences, but you still find it hard to believe that body acceptance is hard for them.
First of all, I want to say that I mostly agree with you re: the pretty girls are popular and that is problematic. But if you’re upset with THEM for that, you’re not necessarily putting the blame where it belongs. You can be upset at pretty girls who don’t acknowledge their privilege and who aren’t interested in building a movement that is more inclusive and political and not into maintaining the status quo. And you can be upset that other people on Tumblr are giving the pretty girls more attention. That is valid. But you should also understand WHY that happens, and work instead to dismantle the system that creates the positive responses we have to conventional beauty in the first place. And—just to be clear—this is NOT just the job the of ‘unconventionally attractive’ folks. This is—HAS TO BE—the job of the pretty girls, as well. Privilege doesn’t go away unless those who have it acknowledge that it exists in the first place.
Still, it troubles me when you ask “how hard is it to say you love your body when you’re beautiful?”
Now, I don’t know WHO you are talking about exactly re: “the pretty white girls,” but I acknowledge that I could probably be lumped into this category. Growing up, I was one of those “such a pretty face, if only you’d lose weight” girls. Please please please believe me when I say that that didn’t make coming to terms with my body any easier. It’s incredibly unfair of you (and just plain wrong) to assume that someone might ‘have it easier’ because of their looks. They might have had it ‘differently’, but it doesn’t help for us to make blanket generalizations about the lived experience of others, especially with regard to comparing oppressions (which is almost always not helpful and pretty damn divisive).
All of that said, I want to revise a statement I made earlier in this incredibly long response (and now I’m getting really away from Anon’s post, so I’m sorry): “If we all assume the best in each other (rather than the worst), we can get a lot more accomplished as a movement, and there can be space for those who are more activist-oriented and those who are not.”
I’m just going to say it: I‘m not really interested in building or participating in a movement with those who are not activist-oriented. I want to work with people who are willing to think critically about oppression and intersectionality and the problematics of identity politics. BUT that doesn’t mean that I think that people who aren’t doing those things can’t be “in” FA. We’re all here, and we can all contribute positively to FA. The most I can do is work to cultivate a version of FA that is self-reflexive and constantly thinking and talking about the aforementioned issues. I think that there will always be some sort of divide between those who use fat acceptance as a social tool and those who use it as a means of achieving social justice. But that doesn’t mean we can’t work together where it is appropriate, and that certainly doesn’t mean we can’t be friends or appreciate the work we can all do to help people come to terms with their bodies.
Feel free to agree or disagree. Let’s talk about this.
I made a video in response to this because I find it easier to speak my thoughts out loud but I can’t reblog and add a video so I’m transcribing it here (which means some of the phrasing will be awkward and it won’t be as thought out as a regular text post, please excuse):
I hope you read (the above post). It’s long I know but some interesting things were brought up. And riotsnotdiets did a fantastic job of responding to one anonymous person’s critique of the FA community on tumblr. Um……. and I don’t want to undo all of that fantastic work but personally, when I read that critique, I got really pissed off. And it’s to her credit that on riotsnotdiets there was a very measured response that was very fair and very smart but I’m not at a point yet where I can respond like that - I’m pissed of. The thing that bothered me the most was when anon questions, quoting here directly, “how hard is it to say you love your body when you’re beautiful? “
Okay, ummmmm no one is beautiful. That’s kinda the point? of the society we live in? is that no one is beautiful, enough anyway. Um, and it’s really fucking hard for people to love their body and it doesn’t even necessarily have to do with whether you’re fat or not. Like, there are people who are conventionally the most beautiful anyone can imagine who are going to hate their body because that’s just their experiences in navigating the world. And so, you know, part of FA is about - from what I understand - not judging someone’s experiences or their, you know, personality or their history or really any fucking thing about them just from how they look. So for you to dismiss the work that I’ve done in trying to reclaim my own flesh like really, is really really frustrating. At the same time I do understand that this anon is really really frustrated (I’m going to assume her)self. And fair enough. That is completely fair, she has some really valid issues she brings up about seeing a whole bunch of ‘pretty’ faces, a whole bunch of white faces, and even a certain type of fat body - a fat body proportioned certain ways. I don’t think its very fair, however, to be directing that critique solely at the people who have those bodies.
To some extent, true, they need to take a moment and deconstruct how they’re presenting um… you know I don’t even know - that’s their bodies and they’re reclaiming their own bodies and the fact that they’re the people that you follow and that you surround yourself with on your dashboard…. I don’t know if I’m saying this right and I’m feeling like this whole video is going downhill and I should have prepared but like..
You’re upset that people who look like you are underrepresented and that’s fair. But in asking where are people that look like you anonymously… I kinda want to say, you know, you can start that. I, as probably someone who you would consider one of the pretty faced, white, proportionately shaped fat people (although not a famous one), I can’t represent someone that looks like you. I don’t know how you look but its obviously different from how you see pretty, white, certain types of proportion-shaped bodies and so I can’t do that. I can talk about why that isn’t represented and how we can start having that more represented but, like, it’s simply impossible for me to be someone… for me to be the face of that. Because I have my face. And I am allowed to reclaim my own face and to post my face on tumblr and post my body shape on tumblr and that has to be okay as long as …. you know I was going to say as long as we don’t shut down these conversations which I don’t want it to seem like I’m shutting it down because -I think I’ve said it like ten times already- your issues are valid. But the way that they were brought up was really difficult for me because it has been, and it continues to be, very hard for me to say that I love my body and I don’t think that anyone has a right to dismiss that.
you know when you find out that someone who you think is the shit - like, the most fantastic, incredible, awe-inspiring person who you get a little nervous around - thinks that you are kinda cool too?
i got ditched, didn’t pick up, and i barely knew anyone but i am proud of myself for going out there and turning this shit into the BEST NIGHT.
I posted this a while ago but then lost my nerve and took it down. I knew I would post it again eventually… but when? Well, I just spent one of the weirdest (for lack of a better word) days I’ve had at Queen’s with a group of the most fantastic people I’ve met at Queen’s. It’s kinda weird to be finding somewhere that I think could have really been the place for me on the last day of my six year degree. But guess how I found it/them?
There are a lot of people I really love. Once I’ve sunken my teeth in it is very hard to shake me as a friend. This has caused me considerable heartache in the past. And even now and probably forever this will leave me often feeling lonely - missing my multiple other halves who live lightyears from my bed where I usually curl up to feel sorry for myself late at night. Judge all you want. I treasure this about myself. I love my passion and my intensity and even my drama and melodrama and needy, adolescent-style angst.
All of this is easy to write; it’s much, much, so much harder to say. I have this image of myself who lives unrestrained by fears of popular opinion, I dream of her, but I haven’t yet found the courage. In fact, for weeks now (possibly months) I’ve been wanting to express to someone just how important they are to me. Most of those who I hold this dear know me well enough to read the signs and have seen me vulnerable/emboldened enough that I have told them on at least one occasion, but I’m not so sure that this one knows.
So I’m writing it out online.
Instead of doing an overdue group project.
I hate school. Certain aspects at least, and I feel it is high time that I get out of here! I’m graduating in the spring and even though that is so close I’m still frustrated sometimes that it took me so long. Why am I still here/why am I so old/six years is too long etc. But then I remember that things happen for a reason. And I remember how there was no way I could have continued back in 3rd-year-take-one. And I go through a list of all the wonderful things that never would have happened to me had life not unfolded the way it did. You are at the top of that list.
You changed my life. Honestly. You opened me up to so so so so so many things that I had been looking for. My whole world has shifted since you entered it and for the impossibly better. My future, my self, all transformed. And it wasn’t just the ideas you brought me. It’s you yourself. How safe you are. How fun you are. How kind you are to listen and how well you do it. How comfortable I am talking with you, and how much you make me laugh. How funny you are!!! The most funny. And I don’t think I have ever been less intimidated by anyone so devastatingly cool. How do you do that? Don’t stop. I can’t even begin to thank you for being my friend. All I can say,
I love you Vlada.
I hope she’s having a fucking blast right this minute with other fantastic people who gave me a place at Queen’s. It is a bigger deal than I think they know. They’re the shit and I miss all of them.
I skipped the last half of my last course ever at Queen’s. I think it was a fitting symbol. Especially since that was the first class I had this year in September and I actually walked out of that one. It is the class that gave me my documentary but it is also the class that I found most painful. When we start talking about ideas I feel strongly about the whole discussion is framed so far from how I think it should even be looked at and I’m not given a chance to express that beyond one sentence before my prof cuts in to turn our seminar into a lecture on her liberal politics……. I just walked on out into the sunshine.
Especially fitting also because for some reason today people seem to keep wanting to tell everyone how much ‘Queen’s Loves U’… I don’t know who ‘Queen’s Loves’ but it’s not me. And the feeling is mutual.
you just handed in that 12-pager that had been ruining your life. you just got off a fun shift at the campus copy centre. you have a presentation due tomorrow but it’s on a tumblr you’re making. so you settle in at the campus coffee store you used to work at last year. you eat a piece of red velvet cake. you drink some tea. you hear your new lover Diamond Rings playing on the speakers. you are contemplating all the events of your life that led you to your final week of classes in university. you look over and that dreamy guy who used to always sit at the end of the bar and study last year - the one who made
you drool your shifts bearable - he is still here, a year later, looking dreamy. and all is right with the world.
For anyone who was curious, I went as Ursula. I was leaning in that direction and when Sarah recommended it I knew that’s what I had to do.
I’ve never worn so little to a party. I was at a bar in my bathing suit. I felt self-conscious and a little bit uncomfortable but not enough to keep me from having fun. Plus I got tons of compliments.
I think there is something about seeing another person in the process of liberating herself that inspires a special appreciation in others, and hopefully their own personal revolutions.
(ps. the only full-body shot i have is not a pretty look in the face for me. i did some talented cropping so you can get the whole body + face effect. you can hardly tell it’s not all the same photo!! alas no, i don’t offer tutorials…..)
unless we are fisting or being fisted
catchmecassie replied to your post: why is it so hard to find good buffy/angel…
I remembered looking at this site a few years ago but had totally forgotten where it was - thank yooouuuuu!
Now, if I can find my old favourite videos prepare to be spammed……. (sorry/not really)
why is it so hard to find good buffy/angel fanvids?