(!!!)
Just before I hit the road I thought I should let you guys know I’m in the 250s now… or whatever…
August 2010
78 posts
There IS a difference: BBW vs. fat, performativity & porn
…
So by now y’all know that I identify as fat. In the past, prior to finding fat and size acceptance, I identified as other things: curvy, voluptuous, well-proportioned, “bigger,” plus-size, and—at least in health contexts—morbidly obese. I don’t call myself these things anymore, and when I’m having a bad day and am feeling insecure, I no longer turn to shitty platitudes like “REAL women have curves” to make me feel better. But I used to. It’s important to acknowledge this because I need to be reminded how these euphemisms can sometimes feel like a fat girl’s only allies in a fat-hating world.
Some of these words, like curvy or voluptuous, still don’t really bother me all that much. Everyone, by virtue of having a three-dimensional body, is curvy. And voluptuous means curvy and sexy (at least according to my dictionary)… many things (people, art, landscapes) can be voluptuous, not just fat women. But these and other euphemisms for the fat female body are a problem if they keep us from truly accepting our bodies just as they are. “Fat” will always have a particularly loaded meaning and power over us if we can’t find a way to reclaim it, if we choose to hide behind “curvy” and pretend that no one else can see our fat if we don’t say the word.
And really? The need to justify one’s body by degrading the bodies of others (“REAL women have curves”) is just gross and pathetic. Body acceptance means loving and accepting all bodies, regardless of shape or size (or gender, or color, or ability, etc.). And who are you to say what a “real” woman is anyway? Fuck that gender normativity.
I have been working on a post about how much I hate all this “skinny is unhealthy”, and “no man wants a boney girl” stuff I’ve been reading some places lately.
I love smaller-n-smaller’s vlog/post about loving your body! And I don’t think it should stop there either. I think we should be embracing all bodies. Putting others down to build yourself up is petty and counterproductive. Trying to idealize another type of female body for the same objectification by society (and exclusively men, I guess?) is just trying to trade one evil for another. And being at the top of that desirable body pyramid won’t lead to us loving our bodies anymore anyway: right now plenty of skinny girls already hate the way their calves aren’t defined or their chest is flat or whatever… that is the point - to make us all uncomfortable in if not despising completely our bodies so they can be marketed to and controlled. Let’s not participate in that problem.
Anyway, that is what I have been trying to write and that is what is so much more eloquently and intelligently put here. I have a new tumblr crush (exciting!!!)
salty. *stop* water weight. *stop* better tomorrow. *stop* (love you in telegram)
I wish I could ‘like’ replies!
re: thai food – it is absolutely delicious, but it tends to well.. y'kno. make me fat.
Touché. Although…. that didn’t stop me from eating it last night! To be fair, I haven’t had any all summer from my favourite restaurant here at home and I just wanted a taste before I go back to school. But even though I thought I was very restrained in my portions… it set me back a touch on the scale this morning.
Still worth it!
I'm Alive!!!
Promise. But today has been so busy with farewell celebrations at work for me and someone else. Also this weekend I will be packing and hosting a dinner party and trying to see my best friend in the 24hrs between when she gets back from her camp and when I leave for school. All I’m saying is: I’m gonna be busy!!! So if I’m not posting as much, now you know why - not that I plan to completely vanish.
Oh yeah, and while I’m on the road I probably won’t be posting much either… I’ll be back to normal in a little over a week.
i feel bad. so very bad. i feel like i'm not 'there' enough for you. is that silly? i only say that because when you're going through this stressful situations (work, binge-ing), all i can do is 'like' the post to let you know i read it. i work the regular grind of 8 - 4:30, so (i'm so lame) i go to the bathroom about once an hour to ... read tumblr. yes, that's how addicted i am. anyway, i see your posts and i'm just like 'NO! BE HAPPY! UGH! WHY AM I SITTING ON A BATHROOM COUNTER UNABLE TO HELP?!'. and then by the time i get home, everything is (somewhat) okay.
my point is that even if i don't send you a message or a comment or something, i read everything you write. every single word. and i'll be here for you as much as i'm capable of being :)
Please don’t feel bad! Typing everything out is what helps me most. I need to work things out for myself from the inside. Knowing people read it and can empathize or at least sympathize is nice too, but a simple ‘like’ let’s me know you do!
At the same time, I’m really sorry you are dealing with so much stress at work too!! And though I can respond to messages like this at my work (such a slacker) I still feel like that’s not enough!!! I keep thinking “NO! BE HAPPY! UGH! WHY AM I SITTING AT A DESK 5,000KM AWAY UNABLE TO HELP?!”
No Bingeing!
crossingtheasymptote asked: Reply 250 max250 cancel
I know exactly what you’re going through hun. I just got out of a 20-day summer binge that consisted of non-stop junkfood. There is a way out, you just gotta believe in yourself <3
Stay lovely :)
So true. And congrats on coming out the other side!
Thank you all so much! The replies and ‘question’ helped me so much today! It turned out to be not that bad at all - downright good if you compare it to yesterday!
Your support means a lot! It helps a lot! Hey, it kept me on track - eating wise and mentally - all day! Love you guyzzzzzzzz.
Alrightt thanks! :)
Well I wasn't too worried about the spiciness it's just that I can never find serrano peppers in my house. I guess I could make the effort to go out and buy some! :D
I guess I just assumed spiciness because that’s what I’m scared of! If you don’t want to wait and go out of your way to get the peppers then don’t bother! - But do let me know what you end up doing and what you think!
Bingeing.
That was my night last night. All day I just wanted to hide somewhere, in a dark corner, curl up, disappear, or - I would have settled for screaming and throwing papers everywhere and crying and quitting. But I did neither. I just went on through my day. And I thought about how amazing it was that I wasn’t letting any of this affect my weight loss.
Then I got home. And I pigged out on cheese and crackers. Then my social plans got cancelled. And I made sweet potato fries. Then everything was shitty in my life and eating anyway so… milk and cookies.
It could have been worse. If my mother hadn’t been home I probably would have taken the car to a drive through. But the amount was disgusting. And I didn’t feel well.
But that was the point. I didn’t want to feel well. I already felt bad so I punished myself and made myself feel bad in another way. Last year my counsellor asked me if maybe my eating habits were a form of self-harm. I had never looked at it like that. I thought that sounded ridiculous…. it wasn’t like I was cutting! But the more I thought about the more I realised that my motives were very much in the vein of self-harm. I try to make myself feel bad when I binge. It is unhealthy.
I realise I am making this sound very dramatic, and it really isn’t - it is just an unhealthy habit that I have both physically and mentally. But I do think it is important to know my reasoning and understand my motives. Realising ‘emotional eater’ wasn’t specific enough and didn’t really pinpoint the exact emotions involved was an ‘ah-ha’ moment for me and has been really helpful. I suggest everyone dig a little deeper if you can… it won’t hurt, it might help.
So today is another day. I’m trying again. I don’t want to hurt myself. I want to love myself. And so far? So good.
Followed you because I saw your recipe!! :D
And I love your story behind the reasons why you want to lose weight~
Do you think there could be a replacement for the peppers?
Thank you so much! I can’t believe people are actually making my recipe!
As for the peppers, I really don’t think the soup is that spicy… at all - I think the peppers just add some freshness and zing. Maybe some of the other tumblrs who have made it can weigh in on the hotness? But I did have another recipe which I found too spicy so I cut out the peppers in that one for a little extra curry. I’m sure you could do the same in this if you are worried. Or just leave them out all together. It shouldn’t change the flavour too much. And enjoy!!
Your Nutritionista: Rachel Wilkerson on the Thing About Body Image →
yournutritionista.com
Rachel Wilkerson, friend and life coach expert on my YNC panel, wrote a post I just had to share with you all. There are a few words from her below, but please go read her full post!
Hey, everyone! Rachel Wilkerson here. I know everyone knows that Leah and I are blogging bffs, but you may not also know that I actually help her out with her nutrition consulting business. Sometimes, her clients want a little more than nutrition advice — they also want a friend to talk to, who understands what they are going through, and can provide an extra source of motivation. And that’s where I come in! My role as a life coach means I cover everything from how to get out of bed for a morning workout to how to deal with the emotional aspects of losing weight.
Last week, I was chatting with one of Leah’s clients about a problem she was having: the desire to lose weight, along with major guilt because of her desire to lose weight. It seems that now women are being told to love themselves with the same fervor that they are being told to lose weight. Ugh — we can’t win.
But if there’s one thing I hate, it’s being made to feel guilty about my choices — I believe in owning everything I do, and that’s what I told her client. We had a great chat and I later realized that this was a topic more women probably want to discuss. So I wrote a post about it for my blog, which I’m excited to share with all Nutritionista readers:
The Thing About Body Image
I want you all to know that you CAN love yourself and still want to lose weight. Don’t let people make you feel like it’s a choice.
It is so nice to see that I am not alone. It is a really tough line to walk and I’m trying to find a way to do it. I know I want to lose the weight, but why? And does this desire go against everything I believe in? This post didn’t ease my mind completely but it made me feel less crazy for all the guilt I have.
oh, i like it thick too! we’re all good :) i need to ask, how in god’s name do you get my reply to show up like this?
Hahaha…. when I am at work so I can’t take screen caps I just do a good ol’ fashioned copy and paste! Highlight not the note on the bottom of the post but the notification that comes up on the dash separately (am I making sense?), copy it, paste it into a new text post. It keeps the links too so it might even be better than using an image… I might switch for good….
WIW
Last Week: 260.8
This Week: 260.6
Difference: -0.2
Yup….. a post explaining this is in the works…..
I had to go with red ones! It gets SUPER thick. I didn’t freeze it yet, just put it in the fridge, and it was pretty much one solid mass last night! It’s fine once I heated it up, though. I love the mix of curry, lemon, & cinnamon :)
I think the red and yellow are pretty much the same… I’ve never tried with green but I’m sure it should be fine. And I probably should have said that you can thin it out by adding more stock (chicken or veg) but I just love it thick! And I’m glad you’re enjoying it!
I unfollow people with deplorable politics without a second thought.
I’m committed to anti-racism, feminism, anti-homophobia, anti-nationalism, pro-choice, pro-LGBT rights, anti-classism, anti-war, pro-Jon Stewart, free speech, freedom of religion and I don’t have the luxury of time or energy to deal with your bullshit if you too aren’t committed to these things so bite me.
Shitttttttt…
Also: samesies.
I often shy away from reblogging posts like this, on topics like this. I’m ashamed of that fact. But even if I don’t always post it, I am thinking it, and I think it is only fair to warn you.
Tumblr Tuesday
Mybodymytemple. She is super cool. She is really smart. She has been to camp. She lives life to the fullest. She’s got an attitude and an outlook that I want to be around. I adore her blog. You should follow her!
Guess who is making who's soup tonight?
I couldn't find yellow lentils though. Had to settle for green....Anyway, there will be pictures and much gratitude, especially from Husband...hahaha
I really hope you like it! But let me know either way!
Help!
My last day at work is next Monday…. but seriously. I HATE MY LIFE. Stressed. Furious. Terrified. Livid. Those are my daily emotions. I am 23. I do not need this high blood pressure. I just did the math and it would mean saying goodbye to $300 if I just didn’t come back tomorrow. But I would probably be able to sleep. And I would love to give that ‘up yours’ to this place.
Obviously I won’t. But if you guys could talk me through it that would be great…
Refresh Button
Scrolling through the first page of my blog I realise there is very little about weight loss on there. When I’m not writing about it there are a few possibilities. It could be because it is going well and it is tedious to just write ‘everything is on track’ over and over in various ways. It could also be because I’ve gotten lax. If I fall completely off the wagon you can bet I will write about it, but for the last week or so I’ve just been stuck in this middle ground. I’m not binging. I’m still going to the gym. But I’m eating more than I need to, and some things I don’t need to. But I’m not going as often as I could/should be.
There have been so many exceptions lately: Sunday dinner down the block. Road Trips. Meals at camp. And there are so many exceptions coming up: Saturday hosting a dinner party. Sunday/Monday my last dinners at home (which will be special meals). From Tuesday on is an even longer road trip.
So I need to get it together!
And I need to kick it into gear!
And I am starting now.
S2S2S
So this is the second time I’ve discovered new music I love that was already on my ipod. I haven’t tried sweating to it yet but Daylight by Matt & Kim is making cleaning downright fun!!
Margaret,
I'm just watching your first vlog right now (I'm WAY behind tumblr and have been catching up chronologically for literally over a month now - UGH) and thinking about how fucking beautiful you are. I just wanted to drop you a line and say that you are so fucking beautiful and I can't wait to chat soon and see you in person for the yearrrrrrr. You're just. Ugh. Awesome.
Vlada: I can’t wait either! And you are awesomer!
Everyone else: This is the woman who introduced me to tumblr. She is amazing (clearly). Check out her blog!
Nostalgia
Sometimes it’s just too much. I’m clearing out my souvenir/letter/memory trunks - I have two of them and I’d like only one. I have a hard time throwing anything with any sort of emotional attachment away but I went through one tonight and half is in the garbage. It wasn’t even that hard - most of it was junk - but going through the good stuff, all the keepers just hit me right in the gut. I think it was my time at camp this summer. It messed me up.
Has anyone ever had an incredible dream? So wonderful that you wake up feeling strange and a little empty? Sometimes it lasts well into the day? That is what coming back from camp is like, even after just one night. After a full summer it can take months to recover.
So going through old photos and items and I’m Special Becauses (heartfelt notes written on the last night when everyone is so tired and emotional it’s ridiculous)… ugh. I just feel so… full. And empty. And warm. And dejected.
i love that we posted something about why birth control is the devil. but, seriously, it's an awful, awful thing. i was on it for five years (15 - 20 years old) and when i went off it, my cycle wasn't normal for years. it still isn't, but at least i get it every month now. after all the research i've done on it since, i've become increasingly worried on what it's done to my reproductive system. i know women who can't have children because of it.
anyway, i was just really glad to find more information on it - thanks for posting that!
I reblogged because of what you posted first! And I just found it shocking how I didn’t know that history!
I’m really sorry that it screwed you up so much, and people you know. I took it for a few years but it seems to have not done any lasting damage. I still refused to go back on it when I took accutane though. I know it would cause serious birth defects but:
- There are other forms of birth control
- My life is pathetic and I don’t need it anyway
- Hands of my reproductive system!!
“Most people don’t know that the birth control pill was first tested in 1957 on 132 women in Rio Piedras, Puerto Rico, three of whom died during the trial. Previously, in the 1920s and 1930s, scientists such as Raymond Pearl and Clarence Gamble, along with middle- and upper-class Puerto Rican elites, had raised money to fund eugenics-minded scientific experimentation that included the sterilization of women on the island to correct the problem of overpopulation… One-third of Puerto Rican women on the island were sterilized because propagandist campaigns made sterilization fashionable without discussing the long-term consequences of the procedure (infertility). Poor Latina women’s bodies were a literal colonial laboratory; Puerto Rico is, after all, a U.S. colonial possession. While my generation and those that have followed have clearly benefited from technologies such as the birth control pill, in vitro fertilization and abortion, I review the above history to remind us that these modern marvels were often tested on the bodies of women of color. Historically, there has been a very fine line between reproductive social justice and technologies being used to control our bodies.”
—
“A Fine Line Between Reproductive Justice and Eugenics”
I have some fairly outsized issues with Ms. Magazine, but this article is fantastic. Hit the link for the rest.
(via tart-tart: chelle-shock)
can’t be said often enough, as apparently a number of modern *f*eminists have forgotten these problems.
(via abbyjean)
(via rtothemj)
(via stachiomaniasis)
(via tranzient)
(via midnightsnak)
(via nappylikeyopappy)
part of the reason I do not take birth control.
(via wombamnesia)
(via ihatethismess)
While on the topic of things to dislike about the pill…
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Curried Lentil Soup
This is one of my absolute fav meals. I actually had no idea if it would be healthy or smart because it is so darn dense! But I just put it into MyPlate and it told me 201 calories per serving…. and this recipe makes a lot of servings, and I mean a lot!
Melt 3tbsp butter over med-high heat in a huge pot.
Add
- 1 large onion, minced
- 2 cloves garlic, pressed/minced
- 2tbsp fresh ginger, chopped
- 2 serrano chiles, minced (I use any hot, green pepper available)
- 3 cinnamon sticks
- 2 bay leaves
Saute until onion and chiles are soft and translucent (5-7 min). Add 1tbsp curry powder and cook 2 more min.
Add 2-2.5cups yellow lentils and 8-10cups chicken or veg broth. Bring to a boil and simmer 15 min.
Squeeze juice from 2 lemons into pot and dump in leftover rinds (keep seeds out). Continue to simmer uncovered until lentils are tender (about 40 min).
Remove bay leaves, cinnamon sticks, and lemon rinds. Puree half the soup in a food processor with 1/4cup minced cilantro. Return to pot and mix together. Serve hot.
Non of these flavours are favourites of mine and if I saw this described on a menu I would pass right by it but I love it and so does everyone I’ve ever fed it to. It also looks complicated but the spices can be played with a fair bit and most of this stuff can be found at a health food store where you only have to get as much as you need. I put leftovers in the freezer at school and then just microwave it for dinner.
i would LOVE some recipes for your soups! i'm a sucker thick soups as well, so i'm stoked!
I’m at work right now but when I get home I guess I’ll be posting my first recipes…. I’m stoked too!
The good news won't stop coming!
Just updated my numbers page and
Total Lost: 33.2
Still To Go: 60.8
I am more than 1/3 of the way to my first big goal!! (when I get under 200 I’ll reevaluate and find my next goal)
We are pretty close in stats... I was about 300. I'm glad I found your blog.
It’s helpful to find people with similar stats for sure! I would get really discouraged if I only followed people who were starting at my goal weight, so I know what you mean.
Gahhhh!
So, on July 18 I took my measurements on Sarah’s advice. Since today is August 18 I took them again this morning. The thing is, because it was a month ago I couldn’t remember what the original measurements were. I lost less than 8lbs anyway so I wasn’t expecting much. But I was just entering it all into MyPlate and…..
Chest: -2 inches
Waist: -1.75 inches
Hips: -2 inches
Neck: -0.5 inches
You guys!!! This feels amazing!
WIW
Last Week: 263.2
This Week: 260.8
Difference: -2.4
Wow. I have to say I am pretty surprised with this. I thought that not weighing myself and not counting calories would make me gain. Especially after Sunday when I gained a pound in two days to be back at 263.0
So the experiment was a success! I can listen to my body and when maintaining time comes around I think I will be able to do it. I know I will. But for now at least it is back to keeping track.
I don't think I told you how awesome I thought your vlog was. You should totally do another one.
I'm really glad you talked about what you talked about because I do think that it's a big issue for a lot of us. I know I've gotten super obsessive before.
Anyway, I love you and your blog and your vlog. That is all.
I’m glad you’re glad I talked about that stuff because I’m going to keep talking about it because I’m going to be dealing with it and working on it for a long time to come!
And I think you know (hope you know anyway) that I love you and your blog and your vlog when it comes because all the cool kids are doing it!
Tumblr Tuesday
Here it is again; I’m making my second recommendation.
There are many wonderful people who I could recommend and who I will recommend in weeks to come but for this week it was kind of an obvious choice. She’s been making killer progress. Her life updates are juicy. She is super supportive and wise.
You should really go follow Amanda.
I love love LOVE your vlog. Please do more! You are an inspiration in so many ways :)
Goodness. I’m running out of ways to express awkward gratitude for the unbelievably kind and flattering things people say!! But it really does mean a lot and helps keep me going, so thank you!
And I really love the candour on your blog, as well as your ’things I’d like to wear one day’ series. The clothes are beautiful and it’s really motivating.
If I could figure out how to respond to a specific post I would. This is a response specifically to the vlog: I WATCHED IT! And there was nothing wrong with it! You are way braver than I am when it comes to doing that and I thought you were so articulate. It's crazy the things we obsess about in our heads when at the same time we know we're being absurd. You're doing great!
Thank you so much! I am blushing like crazy and you really made my day. How did you know the compliments that would mean the most to me?
You seem to be off to a pretty great start yourself! Keep it up!
Lol! Thanks for letting me know! I must come off as a total bitch in that post. I wrote it in frustration. BTW, you are doing an excellent job with your journey and it's pretty inspirational. I have been trying to lose weight all summer and I've only lost like three pounds due to my inability to stick to my plans. GAH. I so badly need to figure myself out.
Sorry it took so long for me to respond. And you didn’t sound like a bitch at all; it was refreshing. I like hearing about people’s highs and lows and lives. That way I get a sense of who they are and not only is that more interesting, it helps me tell the people I am following apart!
And I like your plans to do another Bachelor’s. Live your life for you, with school, health, everything. That is my secret to success (which doesn’t always feel like success so thank you for the compliment!)
S2S2S
I love the new music people have shared, that has been established. So I decided to reciprocate. And also start a little weekly weekend series which I am calling:
Songs to Sweat to (Saturday …now Sunday) or, S2S2S
Let’s keep expanding our playlists while we shrink our waists (too cheesy?) Post your own fav songs2sweat2! This week mine is Hummer by Foals.
ps. If you haven`t seen Skins (1st gen), do it now!
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