her eyes are like champagne

274.6

I have pretty mixed feelings about this number.

-2.0 is nowhere near the -6.4 from last WIW, so that’s a little disappointing.

On the other hand it is still a loss, so that is good news.

Then again when you look at my past few days: Sun=274.0, Mon=274.6, Tues=274.0, Wed=274.6, it is easy to see why I am frustrated.

On the other hand again, maybe that is what I deserve for weighing myself everyday.

Then again, once a day is a huge improvement over the 4/5+ times a day I was weighing myself last week.

I am getting off track. The bottom line is I messed up this week - last Wednesday, last Thursday, and Sunday. I tried to pull it together in the last few days but it didn’t work. That’s fine. That’s a lesson. I will be better this week.

(because drawing everyone’s attention to one of the most painful and embarrassing posts from my past isn’t enough for one day…): I have a guilty pleasure and it is called The Bachelorette.

I love everything terrible about the show and even some not so terrible things… namely Chris L. But every time I am ready to sign my heart away to him, Roberto shows up with that dimple!!

Oh, I am terrible.

And terribly ashamed.

Sort of.

I wish something good would happen in my life so I could write a post about it. Does measuring your life in blog posts make you pathetic? I think I already know the answer…

vladislava:

Are you aware that the G20 is happening in Toronto right now?  That protesters are being advanced upon by our current police state’s riot cops, beaten with batons, shot at with rubber bullets, unlawfully and unjustifiably arrested, and tear gassed?  Denied their civil rights?  That one detained deaf protester was refused an ASL interpretor?  That police cars have been set on fire, Starbucks, American Apparel, and several bank branches’ windows smashed?  

Does anyone outside Canada give a shit?

Let’s remember there are many sides to every story. I’m worried about the perception most are likely to get about violent protesters and public-protecting cops. There are big issues at stake, voices not being heard, intimidating police lines and so how could it not escalate? Many sides people. The police aren’t automatically the good guys.

Guess what! Okay, you will never guess so I’ll tell you: I went running yesterday! Outside!

I have never been afraid of the gym, or if I was I conquered that fear so long ago when I started going at 16 that I’ve forgotten. But outside is different. I don’t notice other people at the gym because I am focusing on my own workout and I assume they are doing the same. I do notice people running down the street because I am getting a drive home and have nothing else to look at and I assume other people are doing the same. And at least half of these runners look funny. No matter how in shape they are they kick their legs awkwardly or flail their arms or rock their torso and I am sure I will be worse! But my dog needed exercise and I thought he might like a change from chasing a ball so we went for a run. Of course I use the term ‘run’ very, very loosely; it was mostly walking but I am still pretty proud.

And guess what else! Okay, you probably could guess this one but I’ll give it to you anyway: I went again today!

My camp.

Where to even begin?

Those who have never been to camp can never understand. Some have gone to camp and not enjoyed it; those people I can never understand. Then others have been and loved and they think they understand, but they don’t. Because their camp is not my camp.

At my camp, the land is sacred. It contains so much history, so much magic, it is indescribable. I wish I could show you how the light glittering through the trees there sparkles more, how the breeze carries not just the wonderful summer heat but the sound of kids laughing just a little bit brighter - not to mention the smell of campfire smoke.

This place is so much a part of me. Who I am having come through my camp… It is in my blood and it has a fair bit of my blood in return. And so much sweat. And immeasurable tears. Because it is not all easy. There are fights and accidents and rain and drama and difficult campers and loneliness and pettiness and exhaustion and everything is heightened, especially the bad. But it is also so fulfilling and so satisfying. In the truest sense of the words, not the casual way they are tossed around every day. You are fulfilled - filled up. Every molecule. There is nothing spare, nothing wasted, nothing lazy. Fully engaged. And you are satisfied - not just content or apathetic but breathing deeply, feeling the tiny thrill that comes with finding true peace in joy and true joy in chaos.

I probably sound ridiculous; trying to put camp into words is trying to hold the ocean in a paper cup and I am making a fool of myself in the process.

I don’t care.

I am going back.

July 25. For six days of heaven.

Here it is. My first WIW. Are you excited? I am super excited!

So, to recap:

I got the scale on a Wednesday night so I am not counting what I weighed then (286.2). I am going to go by Thursday morning last week (283.0). And this morning was……drumroll please…….276.6!!!

That is -6.4lbs this week.

I think the scale might be magic. Okay, I know it’s not magic but I think we are going to become very good friends. Not because we will always get along but because it will always tell it like it is; it will give me positive reinforcement when I deserve it and it will give me a cold, hard slap in the face when that is what I deserve. Who couldn’t use more friends like that?

So to honour my new bff, a link. ‘Numbers’. It is now in my sidebar and I think you can guess what that page is about.

I am trying really hard not to delete this month’s photo. I don’t really know why it’s bothering me so much more than the other ones… oh, vanity! I’ve decided that the thing to do is post other photos to make up for it. It will get lost in a sea of photos. If only I weren’t at work. No pics of me on this computer so I will just have to wait.

In other news I am excited to join in on WIW tomorrow.  I know it has taken me a long time to come around. It seems so obvious now that the people who have been doing this for a while, who have seen progress, are the people I should be emulating. For something so simple, it is taking me a long time to accept and start practicing. But I think I needed that time (is the excuse I am making). If I had tried to tackle it all at once I might have quit just as fast, gotten scared, exhausted, daunted! But I am coming around now and that is what matters. That, and the results which tomorrow’s numbers will tell…

I wore shorts outside of my house yesterday. Just one errand. To buy wine. It did feel like people were looking at me. I wish I could say I didn’t care, but I did. However, being comfortable in my own body means being comfortable in my own body in shorts and I feel (almost!) summer heat the same as the next person so I tried to block it out and get through it anyway. Small victories.

Two things about the photos:

1. I realized that only the very first one was ever taken on the 16th. I am terrible at sticking to plans. I will really try to be better because I don’t want this stupid photo to become a metaphor for my slacking in other aspects…

2. This month was really hard. I did not want to take that photo. I did not want to post it. I remember the first one and how good it made me feel. It felt empowering. It was part of reclaiming myself. I was saying ‘Take that, self-hatred! This is me and I am not afraid or ashamed!’ This month I felt afraid and ashamed. Not out of the same self-hatred though. I think it was hard to see that my body has not caught up to my mind yet. Just because I have been eating really well and feeling really good, it does not mean I will be looking any ‘better’ right away. I don’t want this to bring me down every month but I don’t want to give up just because of one difficult time. Maybe next month there will be a small change. Probably not as significant as I would like, but more than there has been so far. It is taking me a while to figure this all out: what works for me physically, what works for me mentally…  I have not given up though. I am still moving forward.

… and I realized the other day that I missed at 16th. June’s came and went and no embarrassing photo was posted! I will probably wait until I am back at home and post it tonight. No rush because a - no big change and b- I’m not sure my coworkers would appreciate me stripping right here and now.

Also, I feel like I should come up with a snazzy name for this monthly occurrence….

Right now I am thinking NPOTM or maybe something about the 666(teenth). Honestly I don’t even know why I do it!! Anyway, ideas?

I got a new scale last night. Well, my mother did. It was half ‘thank you for looking after the dog this month’ (she leaves again Mon.) and part ‘we need to replace the useless 20 year old spring scale we have now’.

As we all know I have been apprehensive about focusing on numbers. And I think we can all see how well that served me (not at all). So my resolve has crumbled bit (calorie counting) by bit (new scale).

I was so excited unwrapping this scale and using it for the first time but I think it must be off. I stepped on and weighed myself: 286.2 That can’t be right! So I step on it again, same reading. Half an hour later it says 285.8 every time I step on it. This morning it says 282.8!!! Three times!!! But it does give me 283.0 once and so that is what I am going with. I just don’t understand. A full 15lbs from what I was expecting.

Last night I was loving it and I could not for the life of me understand why I didn’t want to be weighing myself everyday to see my process, to know what is happening, to keep track of what works. But today I remember why: I become obsessive and once a day is not enough. I want to be on that scale now, and again in half an hour, and again, and again. But I will try my best to resist. Just like I resisted the scones and muffins and cinnamon buns from the catering downstairs where I just brought fresh coffee. Instead I stole pineapple, cantaloupe, and a strawberry.

OH MY GOD I JUST TAUGHT MYSELF HTMLLLLLLLLL!!!!!

I am so excited! I really still have no idea what is going on with this whole internet thing behind the curtain. But I did manage to use my impressive smarts and patience (I have very little of either) to add that “Ask Away” link you see underneath my description. I started almost two hours ago staring at a screen full of techno-nonsense and ended up here, with a feature that will probably never be used.

I don’t care.

I am so proud of myself!

I can’t write notes on my own posts! This was not designed for back and forth conversations.

I had thought about a blank only but I didn’t know if I could get away with that slightly more noticeable change in format. In the multiple choice format it did actually end up as ’other’ but I’m pretty sure it’s back to a/b now that I’ve submitted it and it’s been proofed.

I tried?

I’m updating a survey from last year to use this weekend to evaluate responses to our professional development and education programs… exciting huh? But here is the very first question:

Please indicate your gender:

a. male       b. female

Ugh. What do I do? I don’t feel comfortable pointing out the problems with this question to my boss. I don’t know if I could adaquitly explain it to her, if she would be able to understand. But I have it in a Word document and I am modifying so many of the other questions…. this is how it reads now:

Please indicate your gender:

a. male       b. female       c.  ________ 

I hope it makes the final edit once I hand it back.

Wow. Someone actually expressed interest in my life updates! Someone who doesn’t even know me personally. I am so flattered! I have been terrible while I’ve been home alone, I know. Terrible at tumblr, terrible a eating well, terrible at exercising. Just terrible. But I pick my mother up at the airport tonight (midnight..) and with so much off my plate (figuratively) I will put much less on my plate (literally) and also get back to posting on here more often (can you say get back to doing something more often if you never really did it that often to begin with?) I’m terrible!

So, life updates:

I had a not too bad weekend all in all. On Friday there was a big event I had helped to organize at work which went quite well. Our department went out for lunch (and a couple of glasses of wine) afterward and then went home early. Then that night there was a party. I went with a friend from work who is not quite twice my age but she was the only person I knew and when she left after only an hour I didn’t stay much longer. Now, I don’t really go out very often. I’m not a person who loves clubs or being hungover three days a week. Normally going out means a few drinks with close friends at a pub or martini place (depending on the friends) but I have to say that in the taxi going home at just past midnight all I wanted was to reach someone who was willing to go back out with me because I’d forgotten how fun it can be every once in a while.

Sunday was the other bright spot in my last couple of weeks. If I could choose a family, and it wasn’t the one I have now, or if I was particularly mad at mine when the choosing took place, I would choose this one. Well, they do dinner every Sunday and I have a standing invitation which I am sometimes apprehensive to use – I don’t want to wear out my welcome or overstep which is ridiculous, I know. But I was all alone otherwise this past weekend so I called and asked if I could come and it was wonderful. Amazing food, the best company, a chance to sharpen my razor wit at some of the other guests’ expense…. it’s not as bad as it sounds…. it’s justified I promise!… mostly…. and I would have stayed much, much longer if the Tony’s hadn’t been on. And then they were a disappointment, but that is a whole other blog post…

My friend Vlada is doing the nicest thing for me and I figured the least I could do in return is honour her request for more updates.

So let’s see… The biggest thing happening in my life right now is that my mother is away. She is gone for 17 days and that leaves me in charge of the house… including the dog. I live a very cushy life during the summers I work at home: I get a drive to and from work, I get my food for free, and I even enjoy spending time with my mum. But she is gone now. For over two weeks. Which means I take the bus, I buy my own food, I get lonely, and I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THE DOG. To be fair to my beloved Bracken, he is a wonderful dog. He is sweet and smart and quite well behaved. But he is a duck toller which means he has limitless energy. It is so much work!! As if I didn’t already have to get up earlier for the bus, I have to get up ealier still to feed him and walk him and I am just a lazy person and these past five days have felt like two weeks.

Also… I am a huge musical theatre nerd. My best friend in high school and I used to go see some of the other school’s shows and one school used to just have the worst productions. I’m talking, the hardest I’ve ever laughed in my life happened to be at one of these shows in gr.11. And since I’ve been in university we have still gone every year that I make it back home early enough. Now this year she had to go and ruin everything by pointing out that maybe 23 was too old to be making fun of high school students doing something they love to do but that takes a lot of courage and that not everyone was born with an excess of talent for… but of course we went anyway. And I LOVED IT. Not in an ‘I loved it because I peed my pants because I was laughing because it was so bad. So so bad.’ way, but in a ‘When I saw A Chorus Line on Broadway it actually kind of bored me and I didn’t see what the fuss was about but seeing kids perform it who are not that good but are sweet and passionate and you just want them to do well in the show the same way you are supposed to want the characters to do well in their audition made me love it.’ way. Also the bravery it took for some highschool kid to stand alone on stage 4 or so nights in a row and deliver Paul’s monologue… in front of his classmates… is…. powerful.

And that is enough for now don’t you think?

Except for: Thank you eddoeslife for keeping it all in perspective. My timezone has changed so that might be throwing you off. It was Eastern for a long time, then a little trip where it was Pacific and in May it became Atlantic. Also, the time in the title is usually when I start writing. For example, it is 1:21pm right now as I post this..

What do I have to do? What have I got to do to see progress???

I have a staff meeting in 5 minutes but I just have to write this:

1. I am a cheat - I haven’t counted calories in three days.
2. I am a pig - I binged last night with about 1000 calories for dinner.
3. I am getting back on track - I will go to the gym tonight.

I think small, achievable goals are the key (hence #3). And what also helps is when a coworker asks you if you are loosing weight - THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME THIS MORNING!!!!