her eyes are like champagne

Two posts in one day? What??

First of all, it looks like three posts. I understand. This is because the first one was written around 12:30 am last night so the date is the same as today, but for normal people who count days by when they fall asleep it was yesterday. Follow? Which is why I am now going to put the time into the title box. Done.

Second of all, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I don’t really know what inspired all of this but I wanted to share.

I have pretty much always been fat. At least since puberty. I am not one of those people who has a ‘before’ they want to get back to. From the time that I had any sense of what a body should look like, I knew it was not like mine. This makes me incredibly sad. It also makes me wonder which came first: my being fat, or my thinking of myself as fat?

I was always a very artistic child - singing, painting, writing, etc. I took dance for about five years but I quit when I was nine. 9. Can anyone guess why I quit? It had something to do with floor to ceiling mirrors and leotards. Looking back at photos I realize that I really wasn’t all that fat. I certainly had baby fat around my tummy, but who knows if I would have grown or danced my way out of it? All I do know is what actually happened. At nine years old my hatred of my own body was so intense that I quit something I loved because I couldn’t stand watching myself move and do the steps next to the girls with the bean-pole model of nine-year-old girl bodies. I think that might be the thing I regret most in life. Could I have learned to love my body? Could I have been able to do an arabesque now? I still love dancing so much. It breaks my heart that I could deny myself that joy at such a young age for such a stupid reason. And I wonder if I wasn’t really fat then, did just thinking I was and hating myself turn it into a self-fulfilling thing? Was that when I started punishing myself by eating? Was that when I chose ignorance and dissociation over loving and living in my skin and bones and muscles?

I don’t know. All I know is where I ended up. And that is here. And here is shitty. And I am trying to change that here. And I have to admit: part of writing this out was to get it off my chest… but part of it was also about pushing that photo further down the page.

Full disclosure! I’m not proud of that secret motive; it is proof of lack of progress in this whole ‘loving my body’ fantasy project, BUT. For better or worse, all I can do is be honest with myself.

So. Tumblr. I’m beginning to get into it a little bit. I even started following two other accounts tonight. And guess what - reading other people’s weight-loss blogs inspired me to go to the gym. Even though I am SICK! Wow. Thank you!

For the record, it felt great. I went kind of light; just half an hour on an elliptical. I was going to do more but when I went upstairs to the weight room I realised I had stumbled upon the weekly ‘roid gathering. Seriously. I wouldn’t be surprised if those men all met at that time weekly to deal, buy, and workout. And I’ll admit it: I got intimidated. I miss the comfortable women-only gyms back home. So I chickened out and ran away. But I will forgive myself because no one is perfect and because I have a miserable cold anyway and because I am proud of myself for even going at all in the first place.

I have to admit that it was only the fourth time I’ve gone since I started this little project. Shame on me. On the one hand, that is three more times than I had gone to the gym here since September! On the other hand, shame on me for that too!! But it felt so good I am definitely going back tomorrow. I promise. And you can hold me to that!

Since I was at the gym with the fancy scale I did weigh myself. 294. I write that not because it is the most important thing or to make myself feel bad, but so I gain some perspective and kick my butt into gear!

Go team!

It was my birthday yesterday. I thought new year, new start. But then I got super sick today. I suppose you can still be good to your body while you are sick. I will try that tomorrow.

I have been listening to Gossip on my ipod for about a year now but it was only today that I finally did a little research into the band. I have been having itunes/ipod problems and haven’t wanted to touch my itunes on my new computer until I transfer all of my old songs from my ipod over. Today I gave in - I downloaded 4 new albums by new bands I am discovering, and I spent some time googling to find out who all these wonderful music-makers are - both the newly discovered and those I have liked for a while but still knew nothing about.

And I discovered Beth Ditto.

And I am a little bit in love.

I hate feeling sorry for myself. But feeling sorry for myself isn’t even the right term for it. I’m hating myself. It is self-hatred. Self-loathing.

I was taught it was selfish. It made me narcissistic. And needy. I shouldn’t share my unhappy feelings with others because it makes them uncomfortable; it is asking more than I deserve to have them help boost my confidence. More than I should expect, more than my loved ones should have to give. It makes me feel like less of a woman, less of a feminist, a less-strong (read less-worthy or less-good) person. But sometimes I can’t help it and this is one of those times so forgive me for what follows.

I met a cute guy tonight. I thought he was cute. I even thought he might be thinking the same about me… I noticed him looking at me an awful lot. But nothing came of it. Thank god. What would I ever do if something ever came of it? I am so disgusting. I would never let anyone touch me. Anyone see me! How messed up is that? How messed up am I? I have dreams of just cutting myself up, shaving all these huge chunks of fat off my body. If only that were possible. Do other people hate themselves this much? I don’t always. I try really hard not to, but sometimes I am weak. Mostly when I start to think about how someday… since I will be 23 years old next week… I want someone to be with. And then I realize how impossible that is. Not because of my shape or size, but because of how I feel about my shape and size. Most of the time I am alright because I can isolate myself, look at my body in a sort of social vacuum. When I start to have to think about myself in relation to others it all comes violently crashing down. It is so painful and so lonely.

I try really really hard not to have pity parties like this for myself often - It doesn’t help anything -but I really thought he was cute, and sometimes it is really difficult. So because I had no one to talk/cry to, and because no one reads this anyway, this is how I am feeling tonight.

I wish I was beautiful.

I wish I thought I was beautiful.

I am failing at life.

Okay so… some ups and downs to report.

Ups: I had a friend over for dinner on Friday and served this wonderful soup I make and a delicious salad. I discovered the organic food store near my house sells small bags of mixed greens which I am really excited about because the grocery store near me only sells large heads of lettuce which a- I don’t like as much and b- living alone I can’t eat all of it before it goes bad. The dinner was delicious and re-inspired my love of fresh healthy foods - how they taste and how they make me feel! Also, I went to a work social. The event was a surprise and it ended up being laser tag. I got the high score against all 30 of my coworkers, including all the sporty guys and girls! It left me feeling really sore the next day between my shoulder blades and in my left thigh (I was even limping a little from stiffness)… But I loved the feel of my body and knowing what it can accomplish!!

Downs: I am getting really tired of school. I’m feeling much lower energy than I have all year. I am not sleeping well or eating well because I am avoiding doing responsible things. I have this bad habit of just shutting down when I get overwhelmed. I hope posting this will be helpful to me by waking me back up and making me be present again in my own life. I am going to go to the gym again tomorrow…. Someone hold me accountable again please!!

Okay, that is my update. I am hanging in there but not powering forward the way I would like to. Isn’t that always the way… I wish I had more to say but I don’t. I will let you know how well I succeed tomorrow.

PS. Ahhhh! I just realized I only have one more week today before it is photo time again! I don’t think I have changed at all this month and that is a really depressing thought. If that doesn’t kick my ass into gear I don’t know what will!! Ahhhhhhh….

It has been two weeks since I began this adventure (TWO WEEKS?!) and I was originally thinking I would post pictures at this interval. Not much has changed in two weeks, believe it or not, and so I think I will revise my schedule. Every month. On the 16th.

I made a goal for myself today. It was a crazy goal - 40lbs in 6 weeks kinda crazy. But when you start from somewhere with so much room for improvement, improvement can be swift at first. Well, we’ll see how close I get.

Typing that out of course I realize that it sounded very much like a weight obsessed posting but I assure you: I have been feeling my muscles all day today after the gym yesterday and I am loving it. I wish I could have gone again today but Mondays are my busiest and I have a 1500 word paper due tomorrow morning with only about 250 word on paper… and not very good words at that. Which is what I should be working on now. Which is what I am going to go work on now. I swear!